No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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