I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
