i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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