A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
