You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
