Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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