Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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