My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
