No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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