Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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