I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
