Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
