You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
