Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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