and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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