Life is so much better after having sex.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize