time to smoke my breakfast
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
