Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
