She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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