So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You left your phone here
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