Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize