plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
