Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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