Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
