erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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