Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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