Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
