We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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