I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
