Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
