It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
