What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
