What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize