you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
