Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
