I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize