I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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