i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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