3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
