I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
