very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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