umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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