hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
