you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Are we still banned from the library?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
