so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
