the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
