My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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