She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
