There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
