I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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