1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
