My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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