I just saw a hot homeless man
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
this is an emotional support booty call
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
