Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
