So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
