I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
