At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize