I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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